I am disconnected.
Sometimes sitting in church is the most disconnected place to be. It's a bunch of people talking about how to try harder and give our best efforts toward becoming like Jesus.
It's depressing. It's just not going to happen.
My prayers crash. My singing is off-pitch. My piano playing is frustrated. I'm just banging away, going through the motions.
I feel the paucity, the emptiness in my brain, my bones, my soul.
I have no hope of being like Christ this way. I'm just flailing, gasping, dragging.
This is not what "following" Christ is supposed to be.
But it's what we preach. We preach morals and beliefs. We preach being down on ourselves when we fall short.
If this is true, aren't we just agreeing with all those "liberals" who preach that Christianity is following Jesus good teachings?
"Worship" is cleverly devised as a way to feel something. But we have to wait to do it until we're in church. It makes us happy. It makes us feel connected to something.
There's no Christ in that. There's precious little of him to be found anywhere in the false religion we preach. And it sucks. It's no way to live.
It's not about mimicking the good things we see in Christ. It's about living his life. It's about tasting and seeing.
The tree of life my soul hath seen,
Laden with fruit and always green.
The trees of nature, fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.
For happiness I long have sought,
And pleasure dearly I have bought.
I miss'd for all-but now I see-
'Tis found in Jesus Christ the apple tree.
I'm weary with my former toil.
Here I will sit and rest awhile.
Under the shadow I will be
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.
This fruit does make my soul to thrive.
It keeps my dying faith alive,
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.